SHINY THING$ 0119 ✨

In this week’s installment of Shiny Thing$, to celebrate the birthday of the greatest basketball player of all time, we tell the story of what’s likely the most insane situation Michael Jordan ever found himself in.

The Scene: Spring 1982 - State Penitentiary, North Carolina. 

The Protagonist: A young MJ, then a freshman at the University of North Carolina, navigating the precipice of fame. 

The Antagonist: A middle aged man with a samurai sword, blindfolded…

Not yet the global icon he would become, Michael Jordan had already begun his ascent after his clutch performance clinched the NCAA championship earlier that year for UNC. Jordan’s game winning shot to secure a title not only cemented his status on campus, but also afforded him unique opportunities - “unique” being the key word here.

One such opportunity came knocking a couple months after that game winner, as he was asked to participate in a traveling evangelical prison ministry show. Jordan's role in this ensemble was intended to be simple: play basketball with some inmates, serve as an inspirational figure, and then hang out to watch the remainder of the show from the wings. However, life, as it often does, presented an unforeseen twist. 

The next act on the bill featured a demonstration from Mike Crain - a “Samurai Performer.” His performance was a single “trick” that went as follows:

1. Get someone to to lie down flat on a table

2. Place a watermelon on that person’s stomach

3. Crain then blindfolds himself

4. Crain picks up a samurai sword

5. Crain chops the watermelon clean in half with a swing of the samurai sword while it rests on the person's stomach, without leaving a mark.  

This spectacle, relied entirely on the bravery (or perhaps naivety) of the volunteer. 

Enter Michael Jordan, the promising athlete, who inexplicably agreed to be the volunteer in Step 2. Jordan laid flat beneath the sword's shadow, a decision that flirted dangerously with the potential of derailing his future before it truly began. 

The stakes were high… the best-case scenario offered little more than a fleeting thrill for the prison audience. In the worst-case scenario, Jordan gets cut in half.

Jordan got nervous just before the blindfolding and bounced up. He got talked back into it, and eventually agreed to have someone just hold him down while he closed his eyes. Crain had one secret he hadn’t told Mike that may have kept him upright: according to his own estimates, he had “cut 16 people” with this trick in the past.

Make that 17.

As the act unfolded, Crain faltered. His initial strike failed to penetrate the watermelon fully, a moment that likely sent waves of panic through Jordan given Crain's apparent lack of mastery with the weapon. The choice of a watermelon, the largest of fruits, should have been the first warning sign. Crain's second attempt, likely fueled by the need to compensate for his initial failure, succeeded in getting through the melon, but at a cost. Jordan's clothing, personal memorabilia from his first international tournament, was cut through. Underneath, a cut into the skin across Jordan’s stomach. 

Jordan was PISSED. "Look whatcha did!" he screamed at Crain. There was certainly more watermelon than blood, but nonetheless Jordan required stitches. 

The allure of the stage, the adrenaline of risk, and the applause of the crowd often obscure the potential for real harm. MJ is a known gambler, and this was no different.

This incident, a footnote in the storied career of Michael Jordan, offers a lens through which to examine the intersections of fame, responsibility, and the human cost of entertainment. It’s also just straight-up insane and would never happen today - it’s actually written in to most contracts as part of the standard hazardous activities clause. “Samurai Tricks” certainly apply. 

In retrospect, maybe the 16 “victims” who had gotten cut prior to Jordan could have been a deterrent. When asked about it years later, Crain used Jordan’s own career as justification…  “[16] is not a lot," he said. "He's missed over 70 game-winning shots. Only mine are more costly."

Happy Birthday MJ… luckily for all of us, the legacy didn’t end at the hands of a samurai.

Until Next Week...